Monday, 12 September 2011
one shoe, two shoe, red shoe, new shoe*
So why the need? My ex- MIL died just on 24 hours ago. It was not unexpected. She had diabetes related gangrene in both feet and an operation for amputation would not have been survived. She has had dementia for some years and has never looked after herself. Poor diet, no attention paid to health even after the diabetes was diagnosed. A heavy smoker and drinker most of her life till the last few years and absolutely no exercise at all.
The funeral will probably be on Friday. I don't want to go at all and hadn't planned on going. However, each son has separately said they would appreciate my being there. I think they are not sure how their father will act. He can be very strange at times and we all suspect he's bipolar. So I think that while not definitely asking me, that's what they really are doing.
She has never liked me and has always been rude to me. One birthday present was a club bingo prize she had won - a packet of flour, a bottle of sauce and some laundry detergent. To this she added a washed but stained teatowel with lots of holes. She had a nasty, vindictive personality. You may think I am exaggerating. Several times in the last few years she has been in hospital. She caused chaos every time as people in beds near hers insisted on being moved elsewhere.
So I'm going to the funeral wherever that may be. I'm going to dress up, put some jewellery on and show that I have moved on. My ex-husband won't notice, he never paid attention to things like that. But, as one son said, others there will see and get the message. He's not popular with some of his family either and some have told me quite startling things he had said or done before I left, which I had no idea of. I know this is a fairly shallow thought but right at the moment I feel flat and unenthusiastic about anything. Right now, it's a coping mechanism.
* Dr Seuss was never one of my favourite children's authors, I avoided his books usually even with my sons, and I seem to remember the actual quote was about fish. However, this phrase stuck in my mind.